Coping with Losses: Lucy Hone on Living Losses and Resilience

Overview

Resilience researcher Dr. Lucy Hone explains that grief is not limited to death but can arise from a wide range of life changes. The episode introduces Living Losses, a term Hone uses to describe non death events such as fertility challenges, divorce, migration, or job loss that trigger deep but often under acknowledged grief. Hone offers science driven, practical strategies for coping drawn from her research and personal experiences.

• Grief extends beyond death to many life events
• Living Losses are disenfranchised by society and deserve recognition
• Practical steps include mapping past losses, building routines, and evaluating actions
• Personal stories illuminate how meaning and connection sustain us

Introduction and Context

The podcast features host Sana Qadar in conversation with resilience researcher Dr. Lucy Hone. Hone outlines a nuanced view of resilience, arguing that it is not a simple chin up response or a return to a prior state. Instead, resilience is an evolving capacity that emerges through adapting to change, learning from adversity, and building a new life narrative. She cautions against the idea that resilience means bouncing back, a notion she describes as often unhelpful or even harmful. The discussion grounds resilience in two intertwined concepts: adaptability to change and the ability to derive meaning from difficult experiences. Hone also highlights that her academic work on psychological wellbeing and resilience took place during a period marked by extreme events including the Christchurch earthquake and a personal tragedy that would reshape her outlook on loss.

Resilience Reframed

Hone emphasizes that resilience is not about denying pain or quickly returning to normal. It is about learning to navigate ongoing uncertainty and change with a flexible sense of self. The conversation delves into how the fight flight and freeze responses can become entrenched after major shocks, and how resilience psychology provides a framework for gradual transformation rather than denial or forced optimism. The host and guest discuss how society often weaponizes resilience, pressuring people to “toughen up” rather than supporting adaptive coping. The core message is that resilience involves an ongoing process of adjustment, reflection, and growth across the lifespan.

Personal Losses and Collective Grief

The interview moves into Hone's personal experiences with loss. In 2014 Hone and her family endured the death of their 12-year-old daughter Abby in a car accident, a tragedy that followed Christchurch, where 185 people died and the city faced years of aftershocks. Hone asserts that grief after a death and grief from non death losses share emotional mechanisms, but the social and cultural context can shape how communities respond. The Christchurch earthquake created a sense of collective grief and community resilience, while Abby’s death was an intensely private, individual bereavement within a tight rural community. Hone describes how cultural practices in Aotearoa New Zealand, such as keeping the body at home for a period, can help families begin the grieving and meaning making process by allowing time for acceptance to gradually emerge. She stresses that loss can be managed and integrated into daily life, rather than erasing the memory of a loved one.

Living Losses and Research

Hone describes a new area of psychology focused on non death losses, which she terms Living Losses. Her work, including a Stressful Life Event Study, shows that such losses are often disenfranchised, leaving people without clear social recognition or guidance. Examples include fertility challenges, divorce, job loss, aging, migration and chronic illness. The main question people ask themselves in the face of Living Losses is, how will I ever get through this? Hone notes that this question guided her research and became the organizing principle for her book Will I Ever Get Through This and her previous work Resilient Grieving. She also discusses how the field evolved and why the acronym ndls has been used to describe Living Losses in the scholarly literature, while she advocates for the term Living Losses as more human centered. She explains that her work blends empirical research with lived experience to craft practical strategies for readers. The discussion highlights Hone’s belief that resilience can be taught and learned through specific exercises that help people navigate big life changes.

Practical Coping: Tools and Techniques

The podcast outlines several actionable steps Hone recommends for those facing tough changes. One key idea is to map a timeline of losses and changes to recognize one’s existing loss efficacy. The practice of recalling prior difficulties and recognizing the ways one has coped before builds a blueprint for current challenges. Hone emphasizes building islands of certainty within daily life—rituals, people, places, and possessions that generate stability amid disruption. She also discusses the importance of reaching out to help networks and cultivating supportive connections. Another practical tool is asking whether a given action will help or harm the process of getting through the loss, a question echoed in Hone’s grief courses and public talks. In her own life, Hone describes how restorative justice meetings after Abby’s death and community support shaped the path toward healing. The evidence base for these ideas draws from her PhD work and subsequent studies, presenting a concise, experience informed framework for readers seeking practical guidance.

Questions That Shape Coping

The discussion covers common questions people ask during loss, including how to accept what happened, how to make sense of suffering, and how to move forward while honoring memory. Hone distinguishes acceptance from coming to terms, noting that acceptance is a process rather than a fixed endpoint. She explains that major disruptions often shatter a person’s assumptive world, requiring a reconstruction of beliefs about how life should unfold and how institutions should behave. The podcast also explores the idea that grief intensity should not be ranked, and that there is no universal hierarchy of grief. Hone argues for empathy and non judgement as critical components of supporting others through Living Losses. In addition, she touches on the development of her book How Will I Ever Get Through A Practical Guide to Navigating Life's Toughest Times and the role of the New Zealand Institute of Well Being and Resilience in her research and advocacy.

Living Today with Loss

In concluding sections Hone reflects on how life can be fulfilling even as one continues to grieve. She explains that Abby’s memory and impact remain present while the family continues to live a connected, purposeful life. The overarching message is that it is possible to live and grieve at the same time. Hone’s work emphasizes honoring and integrating the memory of a lost loved one while building a meaningful life that honors their influence. The podcast closes with an acknowledgement of Hone’s professional roles and her continued work in resilience and well being, underscoring the importance of credible, research based resources to support people through tough times.